no its okay don't call 911, she's alive. just stopped by her house and banged on her door. she said she turned her phone off because she "had to be alone with her shame and embarassment". typical.
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
He wants a "vagina fling" before he commits to dick for life. I'm gonna allow it.
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
she's unstoppable after she starts doing shots and yelling NANNER
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
New Orleans is just like you. Dirty but beautiful and will always have a special place in my heart
I had sex in the bed of a guy who owns a house last night so I feel like this is a significant step up from car sex in the parking lot of a library
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
Randomize
