Joe is yelling at the trees again.
This is how scared I get when I ride roller coasters. And how scared I was when I had to poop when I had herpes.
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
no we just smoked too much weed and listened to the tarzan soundtrack. phil collins is amazing
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
Randomize
