We smoked a joint and talked about his parent's divorce. It was like being fifteen all over again.
He's doing the single life. He recently finished like a 3 year relationship. You can't date him.
But I don't want to date him. I just want to look at him. Naked. And in my bed.
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
You can come over but I have to warn you that it is naked Sunday.
Randomize
