She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
Sorry. Im too sleepy to penis.
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