I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
As a matter of fact, I am on the treadmill with the Bottle of UV Blue as we speak.....
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
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