True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
You threw up. And every time you flushed you would wave and go "Bye Bye!" and then when the new water came you would greet it with "Helloooo!"
i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
Real housewives of new joisy starts MONDAY. Skype session after? Virtual slap the bag?
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
If by fun you mean, did I meet her cousin for the.first time and bang him, then yes it was a productive evening.
He started humming a moment like this when I was taking off his pants.
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