Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
Brogan sounds similar to Bridget...sorta.
Every girl's name is automatically translated to "Baby/Milk Carrier" in my brai
This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
No, I'm never going to get a job bc I don't know anything about public relations except that Chris Crocker wants everyone to leave Britney alone.
On a list of weird places to get a bj, how weird is in the basement of a pharmacy
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
So for a second i just thought clitoris was a disease.
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
And by "got a tattoo" i mean i got a tattoo in the dorm bathrooms with a guy using his cousin's tattoo gun.
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
i think ive crossed the line from sexually frustrated to sexually furious
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
Randomize
