Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
imagine how many guys you'd have sex if you didn't recieve your monthly gift.
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
Randomize
