I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
Where can I buy a trophy for a Groupie Award?
She had sex with a merch guy. . . band guys make you groupies, Merch guys just means she's easy.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
He is really real. Like I know where he works, have referenced him with mutual fb friends and I've seen his dick. He's real.
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
I kinda wanna drive through the Gator bar parking lot and seeing if my panties are on they ground, they should be right next to my pride...
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
Randomize
