Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
like in an apt above a crackhead. A LEGIT CRACKHEAD. he woke me up every morning this week asking me if I wanted to buy a mini fridge and some CDs. at 5 am. EVERY DAY.
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
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