I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
But he does seem to be getting proper humping etiquette down. So there's progress.
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
Anyway, all that to say that tiny penises are a hassle.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
Randomize
