I checked into jail on foursquare
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
I believe some people would call last night an orgy.
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
I got my nipples pierced. If you haven't seen my boobs in the past week, you're among the minority
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
My inner 10 year old alcoholic is intrigued.
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