I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
Question: should I be considering heels or is this the kind of night where I should plan on falling on my face regardless of my choice of footwear?
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
Randomize
