My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
i would compare it to sliding down a velcro-covered fireman's pole naked. no more bearded men for me.
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
Randomize
