We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
After three games of beer pong ending in victory by death cup, all four of us bonded in the fact that we all slept with the girl's boyfriend at some point in time in the past year. She had no idea.
He titled his birthday party on facebook, "BJ's in PJ's- an adult slumber party." I'm the only one invited.
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
In the store looking for it now. They put the theatre/script section right next to the gay erotica section. Rude. Practical, but rude.
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
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