Don't cheat on me with the blonde bimbo religi freak
I wouldn't touch her with a ten foot pole
She's blonde
She tied me up with her honor cords...
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
I lost the right to judge tonight
Just masturbating and watching Sports Center...is this what it's like to be a guy?!
He told me to keep watching the Grammys and then went down on me.. I think I'm in love.
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
Do dollar stores sell vibrators?
Randomize
