you're dressed like that and you're on the rag, that's false advertisment
I get free beer too. Its called a vagina and its accepted everywhere like visa
I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.
I inspected his penis with a mini flashlight to check for visible stds...he was clean
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
His eyefucking isn't even normal eyefucking; it's eye anal.
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
How are they?
Amazing! These new boobs are going to break blouse buttons and wedding vows!
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
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