Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
You just kept rubbing her head and repeating "I really like your head, I want your head..." over and over for like 10 minutes straight... And she didnt even stop you.
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
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