Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
We're playing a drinking game to 'how to train your dragon'. has it really come to this?
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
Last thing I remember was wondering why there was a mirror on the wall behind the urinal and then realizing I was pissing in the sink.
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
Ya know. I was thinking of my slutty moments the other day and finally know which one makes the number 1 spot.
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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