take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
It's was about average. But he had a tat on his thigh that said "pull-out n' rollout" so I won't have to worry about a round two request.
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
