I just saw a hot homeless man
i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
so this was truly a case of the blacked out leading the blacked out.
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
We joked about how funny it would be if he got pulled over with 300 breakfast burritos in hus car. We walk outside of the school just as the police lights turn on and pull him over
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
Randomize
