Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
You probably shouldn't be hiding under someones bed listening to them get head
Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
Randomize
