i think the sales of Rosetta Stone are directly related to the size of that woman's tit's
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
If it carries over into the weekend I would be glad to nurse your vagina back to health.
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
Randomize
