I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
i have no concept of time, i feel my nose, and im seeing everything in bitty hexagons.
it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
They drank shots out of my cleavage. Surprisingly, the one who did the best was a gay guy.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: your tits are a danger to gay men everywhere.
threw up on my 7.30 AM placement test. Never again
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
If me saying "come f***k me now" is talking, then yes.
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
Randomize
