When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
Might be using my graduation money to pay for an abortion.
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
Haha do not judge my life style choices right now but me and Dj had sex twice and then he helped me pick an outfit out for my date
Randomize
