you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
Ok let's jusst not talk today bc then we'll just do dangerous things but I'll say hello
And my dad told him he was a great looking guy. and then added "no homo" after.
he used the word "rubber" i just couldn't do it after that.
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
Randomize
