My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
Countdown til Saturday. I'd assume we're somewhere around 10,000 bottles of beer on the wall.
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
No. 70% of the female population would find them attractive. The other 30% are lesbian and even they would appreciate them for their strong bodies and athletic capabilities.
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
I told him I lived in the apartment beside his brother and he said "oh, you're the girl that watches really loud porn!"
Randomize
