I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
I am at the gas station and there is a whole amish family here I'm not sure why the amish need gas but I think its worth investigating
you'd be confused too if you woke up to pictures of a ghostbuster doing body shots off you.
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
Shit dude that sort of wholesale destruction can't just be done at the drop of a hat
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
I licked your asshole in confidence.
You mom sent me some article linking anal sex, damaged prostates and sterility. Does she still think your gonna go straight and have kids one day?
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
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