matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
he called us the olsen twins. we also rapped ignition much to his dismay.
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
just found out that she named her cat after me.
Like if it it's practical for your sexual health I'm allergic to it AKA REGULAR CONDOMS
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
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