I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
i don't remember it, but i know we had sex because my stuffed animals were facing the wall
Sarah Palin is going to have a show on the discovery channel...Can I get a moment of silence for knowledge?
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
We were debating whether you had hooked up with him. I was right for the record.
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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