haha you were like: "I don't want to uh pressure you.." as you took your own shirt off
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
brass monkey on radio. cant stop dancing.
There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
No vaginas are yucky and I don't think you're old enough to handle one yet
he needs a life. he was like frothing at the mouth to cockblock you
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
Randomize
