can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
Nobody is stopping the marines from drinking in class on veterans day. They literally brought a cooler with a bottle of whiskey and vodka on ice. And are passing out red cups to anyone interested. Staying in Vegas for college has officialy become an A+ decision
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
i've never been that scared in my life. i ran naked into the corner and he just stood there trying to shield his boner from the light.
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
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