actually, I'm a sock model
God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
Did u know that at any givin time there r 46,948,952 drunk people in the world? Were not alone
I had just got her shirt off when I realized that I was about to fuck Chewbacca from Star Wars. The way she moaned confirmed that I was.
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
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