Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
I wouldn't really call it 'getting lucky' considering I paid her to do it.
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
God, you're like boner-b-gone
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
I went down on her for 35 minutes and didn't even get a handy. I've never felt more desire to be gay in my life.
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
It seems I've entered my 21st birthday the same way I entered this world: naked, crying and smothered in someone else's bodily fluids...
Randomize
