you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
Maybe I'm just didn't notice and imagined a different penis as a Freudian coping mechanism?
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
It was probably the night you were half naked and trying to blow everybody, guy or girl.
this is me we're talking about here. You're going to have to be more specific than that.
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
She was calling him Bob Saget and asking him to buy her shots....how do you think the night went?
Randomize
