rubbing her clit was like playing thumb war
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
Your pictures have evolved a lot over the years but I think your angry dick pic phase was one of my favorites
Whose dick am I looking at? There are too many possibilities at the moment.
Truth. Though I have held steadfast to the notion while the rest of you wavered. I had faith in his homosexuality.
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
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