So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
Hey everyone. This evenings celebration will commence with a cocktail hour at genghis at 830 to be followed with an upscale dining experience at taco bell at 10. All are welcome. This is not a joke. Thank you
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
You are a genius and a whore.
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
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