if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
hey can i play with your boom stick tonite? I'll let you shoot the love of jesus in my face.
come over
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
hot twin vs twin who's good in bed. why do my life choices same way unfair
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
I should have but it might be too early in this fuckbuddyship to emasculate him
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
i think that after ALREADY drinking that much, the tube shots may have been a bad idea.. i mean afterall, i did wake up and find my cell phone IN the bonfire the next morning.
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
i'm not too sure if he's up to my expectations looks-wise, but in the penis department he exceeds ALL regulations.
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize
