Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
im swimming of confusion and bacardi. where do i go from herrrrrre
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
I only put bad things in my body...jack, caffeine, chocolate, pills, and rich's cock. It's like being holistic but exactly opposite
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
