I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision.
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
What is she getting? Last time we talked her behavior was conducive to getting a tramp stamp on her face.
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
Topless Tuesday? One of us will be really happy the other not so much.
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
Randomize
