I'm pants shitting drunk right now
Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
you were mad bc i took longer then 2 minutes to finish
I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
Judging that there's a photo of me getting head while sitting on a graveyard tombstone.....not good.
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
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