Dude if you're in another zip code it doesn't count
You don't understand. I'm not like you.
After 9 shots a girl with a mustache......still not attractive
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request.
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
Randomize
