there's a lady drinking out of a red cup in class. HAPPY FRIDAY
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
well I tackled her when she was going to go upstairs because I was convinced that the house was haunted. You gotta stick together in horror movies.
I'm not gonna lie. I'm a little scared.
Good. The Jell-O shots look great.
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
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