I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
Correct me if I'm wrong, but I did not stop moving last night. If tequila gives me that extra push to have an active lifestyle, so be it.
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
i dont remember how or why, but i now have 3 coupons for a free BJ from Anise stapled to my right arm.
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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