God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
ARE YOU OKAY?
Physically? Yes. Morally? No.
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
Going to the pool bar doesn’t exactly count as “exploring”
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
Randomize
