the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
his mom and I have the same butterfly tramp stamp. don't ask how that came up
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
On a completely different note: my hookup and i are now in a semester GPA competition. Winner gets froyo and sexual favors. School just got interesting.....
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
Is constant horniness a medical condition? Because a husband, a boyfriend and an office side piece should be enough penis for one girl - but they’re not :-(
Randomize