I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
This adderall has me convinced I'm an Econ major.
Watching tv. She's giving me head and she hates it when I watch her.
they pretty much knew i was there to get drunk and fuck their daughter
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
k. The important thing is we are going out. You are stones. I am mildly hallucenating.
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
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