Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
I could go for watching some naked price is right. Looks like a good time to me.
I got inside last night via doggy door
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
Randomize
