My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
farters have to be the big spoon...
His car is carseat is compatible. I checked while we were banging in the back seat...
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
He managed to scream "cowabunga bitch" before he went down on me. Let me know if you still like him.
I don't know how I feel about the stuff we got from that guy. Me and Monty are driving through town listening to static at full blast...
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
Randomize
