Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
I play with my boobs when I'm bored. I playwith my nipples whe I'm drunk
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
I mentioned the porn thing he mentioned a brother it all kinda just came together
I responded like every reasonable adult would. With a gif
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.
Be there in 20. Want icecream?
sex. I want sex. I like where your heads at though.
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Randomize
