Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
i think i have two assholes
I just saw fred flintstone in my fruity pebbles!
what drugs are you on?
none, cept for the pain medication i got prescribed by the doc: it said 2 pills every 3 hours, but I took 6 cuz i'll be away from home later
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
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