He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
What makeup look will say to the therapist 'I am a smart, well-adjusted young woman'?
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
Just found my old bop it. So many drinking game possibilities
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
Randomize
