So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
at least after i hook up with someone i have the decency to ignore them
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
His apartment number was 69. I had to.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
He was "hot guy in the dark". One of us had to sleep with him. I took the bullet you're welcome.
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
Recliner chair sex has moments of worry....just don't.
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
Randomize
