Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
Will you Wikipedia Vin Diesel? Is he gay? It's important...
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
Somewhere during foreplay he said something about me only being with two other guys... I just went with it cause we have never had that conversation...
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
I had sex with marker all over my face so I can do just about anything.
I'm not saying you did or didn't sleep with him but he's has your thong hanging from his ceiling fan
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
Well I only snuggle him I don't hump him. That's rude.
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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