He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
Plus it's a good way to scope out guys. Have them fight for you, like real males do in nature.
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
Our host-mom was rubbing her back sympathetically going "muy bien, chica" while she puked on the beach. So yeah, I think we got the best one.
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
I'm the kind of gay who carries his anxiety medication in case the club scene gets too fierce
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
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