Dude that chick in the corner just threw up
Hot
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
His threats seemed pretty legit for a 6 year old
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
I Never golf you the sypdu of andrew. The one o will marry. The one j plwgded my last breath up. The one I pledged everything I live forbworh to. I love him more than life itself
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
It got kind of awkward when her dad brought home a 20 something asian girl at 3am
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
We found out if you get Ben high but stay sober yourself he is an AWESOME cook. You need to get your ass down here, this goes against everything I know to be real.
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
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