My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
Just to clear things up. I did not walk in on him jacking off to your facebook profile.
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
NO. ANAL IS NOT A GAME.
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
I round house kicked her emotions in the face
whose parrot is this?
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
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