i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
Well, technically I had a shirt on, it was just around my waist.
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
Are you seriously trying to guilt me into sending you naked pictures by saying "So I can look at them during dialysis" ?
Is it working?
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
All I know is that I have a black eye and an extra $200 in my wallet. Other than that, clueless.
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
That confirms what we've all known all along. I'm a bad gay. I have no fashion sense.
Randomize
