my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness
So, I'm tripsitting Ruben cause he's on LSD, and he's starting to eat the chair because 'it is evil' according to him... I can't choose: should I stop him or film it?
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
Watching boy meets world, drinking left over pink panty droppers and coloring in a my little pony coloring book. This is my Monday night
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
Randomize
