apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
He walked in and put an x made out of tape on the floor. He then announced that he was going to pass out there. Cocky or strategic?
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
He better not be in your backpack
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
We fucked so hard and loud that the everyone at the party downstairs starting chanting his name. Oh I we broke a lamp.
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
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